


welcome to daves international house of privilege no we do not have a wheelchair ramp or gluten free options

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21735577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave gets a paper cut.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 24
Kudos: 249





	welcome to daves international house of privilege no we do not have a wheelchair ramp or gluten free options

DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: motherfucking paper cut  
DAVE: ow ow god damn this bullshit ow  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: karkat?  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: whats up buddy you okay?  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: oh shit wait fuck its the blood isnt it  
DAVE: like its freaking you out cuz its red  
DAVE: and i just drew all this attention to it and everything  
DAVE: yeah i get that oh fuck  
DAVE: its like i just casually dropped something youve been keeping a huge secret your entire life and i just splatted it all over the fucking ground with no intention of even cleaning it up like i dont even think its a big deal at all huh  
DAVE: i can see how that sucks shit im sorry karkat  
DAVE: i gotta get a band aid or like... man are there band aids on this meteor?  
DAVE: fuckin weird mad scientist cloning lab and ive never seen so much as a fire extinguisher...  
DAVE: this place is not gettin a single checkmark when the paradox space safety inspector comes a-knockin  
DAVE: im gonna text rose and see if she knows about a first aid kit or somethin thats totally the kind of thing shed be on top of rose is so responsible i dont know how were possibly the same age  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: oh wow look at that it just healed itself  
DAVE: haha fuckin god tier how bout that  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: ohhh shit man  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: i am on a roll today huh first the mutant thing now the god tier thing jesus  
DAVE: its like fucking welcome to daves international house of privilege no we do not have a wheelchair ramp or gluten free options  
KARKAT: |8B  
DAVE: oh my fucking god can you not eat gluten??  
KARKAT: YES DAVE, I CAN FUCKING EAT GLUTEN!  
DAVE: ok phew  
DAVE: jeez thats gotta be the longest ive ever seen you go without talking  
DAVE: and that includes the literal years before i even met you, when you found ways to troll me into near insanity at all hours of the day and night like some constant annoyance firehose  
DAVE: im sorry i made you feel so shitty karkat i really didnt mean to you gotta believe me  
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY.  
DAVE: okay good  
DAVE: anyway i just remembered its ONIONS trolls cant eat  
DAVE: dont know how i possibly forgot that one, since it will likely haunt me til the end of my days  
DAVE: you know what dude just for you, were takin onions off the menu  
DAVE: dihop is implementing some serious sensitivity rebranding for the 21st century  
DAVE: even though time doesnt really work like that anymore  
DAVE: were doin it anyway were gonna do whatever it takes to get you to stop lookin so miserable  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK! THAT’S JUST HOW I LOOK!  
DAVE: what, miserable?  
KARKAT: YES!  
DAVE: haha what buddy no its not  
KARKAT: YES IT FUCKING IS!  
DAVE: are you serious right now?  
KARKAT: ARE YOU??  
DAVE: i mean i guess you do have a certain kinda... sallowness to you  
DAVE: but you know what so did gomez addams and he had a sweet accent and a smokin hot wife and a beautiful family  
DAVE: dude was on top of the fuckin world you should always wanna be more like gomez addams  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS AND YOU KNOW IT.  
KARKAT: AND ANYWAY, I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT MY FUCKING “SALLOWNESS,” SINCE THAT’S JUST WHAT TROLLS LOOK LIKE, BUT THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP AS A THING FOR ME TO BE SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT ANYWAY, DAVE.  
DAVE: aw no come on man  
KARKAT: WHAT I WAS *TALKING* ABOUT WAS THE FRANKLY OBVIOUS FACT THAT I ALWAYS LOOK UNHAPPY.  
DAVE: haha what  
KARKAT: I DON’T SMILE, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT SOMETHING I DO, AND IT’S KIND OF A DICK MOVE TO INSIST THAT I START JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE.  
DAVE: wait what the hell is going on here  
DAVE: are you serious  
DAVE: is this a joke  
DAVE: cuz tbh a killer deadpan joke about how you never smile is a pretty baller move  
DAVE: not really your style but hey its good to innovate and stay fresh is that what youre up to karkat cuz if so damn dude nice one  
DAVE: ...IS this a joke?  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, DAVE. OF COURSE THIS ISN’T A JOKE.  
DAVE: okay  
DAVE: sorry dude but then what the actual fuck  
DAVE: what are you trying to get across here i am so lost  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE, I’M SAYING THAT I DON’T SMILE, AND I DON’T “LOOK HAPPY,” AND I’M SORRY IF YOUR DELICATE LITTLE EGO IS CRUSHED BY THE FACT THAT I DON’T LIGHT UP THE ROOM WITH EVERY STUPID ASS JOKE YOU MAKE IN MY PRESENCE, BUT THAT’S JUST NOT WHAT I’M LIKE AND IT KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT TO HEAR THAT YOU WISH I WERE.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: what the hell is this?  
DAVE: i feel like im on crazy pills right now really dude you smile all the fucking time  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: NO I DON’T!  
DAVE: yes you most certainy fucking do  
DAVE: this is really fucking rocking my worldview right now karkat im not gonna lie  
DAVE: i got the impression that you were... really happy  
DAVE: like most of the time  
DAVE: are...  
DAVE: are you like  
DAVE: not... actually?  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: like its cool if youre not happy this second its fine to be down sometimes  
DAVE: everybody gets down  
DAVE: especially when im over here clownin hard in the most insensitive way ever about stuff thats important to you like your blood or whatever  
DAVE: but i really didnt expect this not smiling thing to be a problem  
DAVE: i was just teasing you about it cuz it seemed so... so NOT like how you usually are  
KARKAT: WHAT? THAT IS NOT TRUE.  
DAVE: bro it really kinda fucking is  
DAVE: this is insane how long have you been thinking this?  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: okay lets lay all the facts out in an orderly pattern for comparisons sake i mean honestly lets take stock of everybody on this dumb space rock  
DAVE: first we got rose and kanaya who are obviously hells of into each other, but theyre also goin whole hog on that whole goth hot topic intelligentsia tea drinking poetry reading dark lipstick schtick  
DAVE: like theyre clearly happy in their own way but not like haha happy  
DAVE: then theres terezi and vriska, and okay theyre havin their own kinda fun but its honestly sorta mean and intense, like i think the hardest ive ever heard them laugh was that time i got my cape stuck in the bathroom door and fell on my ass  
DAVE: gamzee is a literal clown but were for sure not countin him for shit so fuck that line of thought  
DAVE: okay honestly the mayor might have you beat, but you can never actually see his mouth and anyway its besides the point because the mayor is a pure ray of light who cannot be compared to us lowly common folk  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY.  
DAVE: yeah obviously  
DAVE: and then of course theres yours truly, chill as a cucumber popsicle on ice at all times apart from that one little incident i just mentioned involving a cape  
DAVE: as well as roughly six hundred other similar scenarios because capes are fucking hard to account for in your personal hit box  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR THE FUCKING CAPE, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?  
DAVE: course i know that but its cool as hell even with all the gettin caught in things and resulting pratfalls, thats just how fucking cool it is it STILL outstrips the coolness of all other potential clothes  
KARKAT: WAS THERE A POINT TO THIS?  
DAVE: oh yeah my POINT is i dont know how you could have possibly not caught onto this karkat, but you are far and away the happiest, smiliest motherfucker on this whole silly ass rock  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: did you seriously not know this about yourself?  
DAVE: like what the hell did you not notice or something?  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: well shit just look in the mirror dude  
DAVE: i mean obviously not right now  
DAVE: right now youre in kind of a funk and you look like somebody pissed in your favorite grub juice  
KARKAT: BLUH.  
DAVE: BUT just give it a couple hours til you perk back up, and go to the ablution block or whatever its called and just look at your damn self  
DAVE: apparently youre gonna be in for the shock of the fucking century  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY THINK I LOOK... HAPPY?  
DAVE: yes jesus bro, this is starting to freak me out  
DAVE: like have you been... i donno  
DAVE: faking this whole time?  
DAVE: i kinda dont think you have since it sounds like you didnt even know you were doing it  
DAVE: but seriously for months now youve been at least doing a very convincing approximation of a guy whos feelin at least a little more than alright in basically most aspects of his life  
DAVE: and i should know because i spend pretty much all of my time around you  
DAVE: if it turned out every time you were outta my sight you were just like breaking down into a total grouch fest, id be kinda weirded out, and id ask you to seriously stop keeping up whatever it is you think youre doing if its just for my sake  
DAVE: youre not...  
DAVE: doing that are you?  
KARKAT: NO. I... I DON’T THINK I AM. I GUESS I JUST DIDN’T REALIZE.  
KARKAT: HUH.  
DAVE: holy fucking shit bro are you seriously just now noticing that youre HAPPY?  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: this is so messed up  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S NOT THAT.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I JUST... I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A MISERABLE ASSHOLE. IT’S WHO I AM. THAT’S MY IDENTITY.  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY! LIKE DAVE. WHAT IF I LOOKED YOU DEAD IN THE EYES RIGHT NOW, AND I TOLD YOU YOU HAVEN’T DONE A SINGLE COOL THING IN MONTHS? HM? HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?  
DAVE: okay stupid question obviously because first of all it is literally biologically impossible for me to be anything but cool at all times  
KARKAT: BAHAHAHA!  
DAVE: wow that stings but its also a laugh which is a clear point in my favor so you know what ill let it stand you can keep that one  
DAVE: and SECONDLY how can you possibly say that “being a miserable asshole” is part of your identity?  
DAVE: you are a goddamn delight to be around sorry bro identity ruined  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!  
DAVE: no way dude nice try but youre a lil ray of sunshine and you bring me joy every goddamn day why the fuck do you think i hang out with you so much  
KARKAT: OH. I GUESS I... JUST ASSUMED IT WAS BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE.  
DAVE: oh holy fuck man that is a bleak ass sentence  
DAVE: do you seriously think that?  
DAVE: like is this just your heavy personal rain cloud bad mood talking or is that your actual genuine outlook?  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: wow oh my GOD dude if i didnt like you i would just hang out with the mayor at all times obviously  
DAVE: the mayor is clearly the best person on this meteor and he deserves nothing but constant attention and friendship  
KARKAT: YEAH I GUESS SO.  
DAVE: you fucking KNOW so karkat dont you dare try to besmirch the mayors good name with your own sourpuss bullshit  
DAVE: i dont HAVE to hang out with you at all  
DAVE: i fucking choose to goddamn give me some credit  
DAVE: sorry if you think youre the big king bitch of the meteor but guess what you are sorely mistaken  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WOW.  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU THINK THIS IS JUST HILARIOUS, DAVE, BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT THIS IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY BIG FUCKING REVELATION FOR ME.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH I’D LET DOWN MY USUAL INTIMIDATING WALL OF BRISTLING ANTIPATHY.  
DAVE: your intimidating what?  
DAVE: oh my god dude  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: this is too fucking much  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
DAVE: jesus karkat im talkin about i know all about what you got up to back alterniaside  
DAVE: all romcom date nights for one tucked under a blanket wide eyes glued to the screen  
DAVE: all weeping gently into your bodice ripper novels  
DAVE: flailing around your room with your lil rainbow sickles like the worlds deadliest ribbon dancer  
DAVE: im sorry mr vantas, but the test results are in and the diagnosis is clear  
DAVE: you are, and always have been, an adorable gay sweetiepie  
KARKAT: “GAY” ISN’T EVEN A THING IN MY SPECIES, YOU IDIOT.  
DAVE: no no i dont mean like homosexual gay  
DAVE: i mean just like... you know... really fuckin gay  
KARKAT: ????  
DAVE: look i donno earth language has hella nuances its hard to describe  
DAVE: suffice it to say if you look it up in the dictionary the definition is just a picture of you bro  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THIS IS IDIOTIC!  
KARKAT: I AM NOT SWEET!  
KARKAT: I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM A FUCKING MISERABLE CANTANKEROUS *PIECE OF WORK* WHO NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND, AND FOR GOOD REASON!  
DAVE: sorry dude  
DAVE: not even remotely true  
DAVE: i mean take a fucking look at yourself  
DAVE: you are literally propped up on a mountain of fluffy pillows having a peaceful ass evening reading quietly with a bowl of popcorn and a good friend  
DAVE: what the fuck else do you want man?  
DAVE: if you got a way to make this whole setup more serene and contented id love to hear it cuz i am fresh outta ideas  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: okay look i will concede that you at least used to have a pretty good front goin okay  
DAVE: i dont want you to totally lose your sense of self here this minute and melt into a wayward puddle or whatever  
DAVE: like when we first started talkin online you were a total fucking douche  
DAVE: does it make you feel better to hear that?  
DAVE: that you were a real piece of shit?  
DAVE: cuz you kinda were  
DAVE: i thought holy fuck i need to meet this guy in person there is no WAY he is actually this much of an asshole like only in my wildest dreams can someone be like this and still function  
DAVE: he must constantly forget to eat and tie his shoes and shit  
DAVE: this motherfucker just screams obscenities as a greeting, hes like those monkeys that have sex with each other just to say hello  
KARKAT: WHAT???  
DAVE: oh yeah monkeys were a kind of animal on earth and i think some of them were way into that  
DAVE: they were actually us humans closest relatives by the way  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: most of us evolved outta that tho ;)  
KARKAT: EUUUGH!  
DAVE: so ANYWAY that was my impression of you to start with  
DAVE: and then i met you and all my wildest dreams came fucking true  
DAVE: like five seconds into seeing you for the first time ever you took a bucket straight to the face and had a complete and total flailing meltdown on the ground followed by several aftershock meltdowns in various locations across the top of the meteor  
DAVE: i thought this is incredible this is just how this guy is in his day to day like this is business as usual  
DAVE: i was in awe dude i swear to god  
DAVE: and i sorta thought for a while that we wouldnt hang out that much, like you were gonna be fun from a distance but a lil much to handle up close  
KARKAT: WOW DAVE, THANKS. THIS IS REALLY MAKING ME FEEL BETTER.  
DAVE: oh god dammit no just listen  
DAVE: i THOUGHT you were gonna be a total screeching asshat at first, but then i realized almost instantly that you werent  
DAVE: i saw through that shit week fucking one  
DAVE: and i found out pretty quick that what from my perspective was you yelling and carryin on for years  
DAVE: was from your perspective just one day  
DAVE: and it was the shittiest possible fucking day you could ever imagine just one huge turd of an experience after another  
DAVE: like you have a day like that youre allowed to freak out  
DAVE: i definitely woulda  
DAVE: but as soon as you calmed down a little, you turned out to be super chill  
DAVE: and funny  
DAVE: and just like... really fucking nice to have around  
DAVE: and it kinda... i donno  
DAVE: it makes me sad to find out that you dont even realize it  
DAVE: thats all  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK IT’S THAT I DON’T REALIZE IT. I DO ACTUALLY FEEL HAPPIER.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I’M JUST NOT...  
KARKAT: USED TO IT.  
DAVE: yeah you know what i think i can understand that  
DAVE: i mean the atmosphere here is so different from on your planet  
DAVE: you dont have to worry about your blood color or drones or whatever thousand other batshit horror movie things you had goin on that you havent even told me about yet cuz they were just so fuckin normal to you you havent even thought to mention them  
DAVE: you dont have to be in constant fear anymore, all waitin for the next shoe to drop, peekin around corners, hidin food in the closet  
KARKAT: I NEVER HAD TO HIDE FOOD IN THE CLOSET.  
DAVE: oh...  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i mean like metaphorically  
KARKAT: OKAY...  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: i guess what im saying is it makes sense  
DAVE: your subconscious has adjusted to its new surroundings  
DAVE: your lizard brain or your bug brain or whatever  
DAVE: anyway youve started calming down and opening up and letting yourself be happy, even if your conscious brain hasnt quite gotten the memo and caught up yet  
DAVE: that totally tracks  
DAVE: like even though you were always a cute lil dork and despite what you say so obviously hella fuckin gay  
DAVE: all those things i described about you on alternia were things you did in private  
DAVE: and i can see how in public you had to be a totally different person and put up this front of... what was it?  
KARKAT: BRISTLING ANTIPATHY.  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: i bet your antipathy was so bristly  
DAVE: just the bristliest  
DAVE: cuz it had to be or you wouldnt have survived  
DAVE: i get that  
DAVE: and i guess im really fuckin glad you changed enough here that you dont feel the need to keep bein so bristling  
DAVE: because tbh that would be incredibly exhausting  
KARKAT: !  
DAVE: what im sayin is im glad you get to just be yourself around me okay?  
DAVE: because i really like that guy  
DAVE: and im glad i get to see him  
DAVE: and i just hope that now your conscious brain got told itll uh  
DAVE: stay told  
DAVE: and youll start to appreciate how fucking content you are  
DAVE: thats all  
KARKAT: ...WOW DAVE.  
KARKAT: I’M ALWAYS PRIMED FOR SOME SUPREME BULLSHIT FROM YOU BUT I’M NOT EVEN SURE HOW TO RESPOND TO THIS.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS UH... ACTUALLY REALLY ALMOST A NICE AND HELPFUL THING TO SAY.  
DAVE: hell yeah it was  
KARKAT: MAYBE THIS METEOR’S CHANGING YOU, TOO. YOU SURE AS SHIT DIDN’T USED TO BE SO WISE AND INTROSPECTIVE.  
DAVE: what no ive always been a supreme font of wisdom and hella open about it  
DAVE: i havent changed at all on this meteor im solid as a rock in some concrete in another rock in iraq which was a place on earth you dont gotta worry about the details just trust me it was extremely solid always  
DAVE: anyway were not talkin about me were talkin bout you and your character arc here  
KARKAT: WERE WE? I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW I’M A SALLOW MORTAL MUTANT WHO LOOKS LIKE SOME UGLY EARTH ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: what oh hell no gomez wasnt ugly thats not what you were supposed to get from that at ALL  
DAVE: dont get me wrong morticia was the real choice babe in that relationship but gomez was no slouch  
DAVE: he was sexy as hell you should be pumped i think you look like him!  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: wow uh  
DAVE: so i guess thats a thing i just said huh  
KARKAT: YEAH IT DOES APPEAR TO BE THAT.  
DAVE: yeah so... there you go  
DAVE: thats out there now  
DAVE: lets just... take a long hard look at that sentence shall we  
DAVE: be sure to keep your eyes focused up in the air where those words are hoverin around my head  
DAVE: as they will be for the rest of my life  
DAVE: as they follow me to an early grave  
DAVE: which i dug myself just now as you were distracted by staring at my horrible stupid fuckin words i never shoulda said  
DAVE: just gonna flop backwards into it and die permanently now because this will definitely 100 percent be judged a just death  
DAVE: bye karkat  
DAVE: its been real  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: okay upon further inspection it seems i have not actually died like anticipated  
KARKAT: I GUESS NOT.  
DAVE: but uh do you think we could maybe forget what i said and just go back to reading in silence possibly forever  
KARKAT: UM. YEAH. WE CAN DO THAT.  
DAVE: okay cool  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i mean dont forget everything i said okay  
DAVE: you can keep remembering all the really nice stuff about your personality and how generally cool and fun you are to be around  
DAVE: like i think you really needed to hear that and it seemed like it was doin the trick man i was skatin such a nice beautiful routine there just really artistic and graceful best friend pump up stuff  
DAVE: until i totally beefed it face first onto the ice with that sexy comment  
DAVE: but still i feel like i deserve at least a 7.8 for the overall conversation  
KARKAT: YEAH, I’D GIVE YOU AT LEAST A 7.8.  
DAVE: ok phew  
DAVE: and for the record i totally really truly believe all that other stuff i said  
DAVE: like im not saying through this extended ice skating analogy that it was all an act  
DAVE: i just wanted a good visual and somehow managed to pick the most historically fucking gay sport in the history of the world since naked greek wrestling oh my god  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: do you feel a little better now at least  
KARKAT: YEAH, I THINK I DO.  
DAVE: okay good  
DAVE: thats all that matters  
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.  
KARKAT: THANKS, DAVE.  
DAVE: youre welcome man  



End file.
